contradictator

I both
love
contradictions
and
fight hard
against them;
memory
telling me
I should
beware
because
what once was
complimentary
can easily
become
the good
that evil
ensares.

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second hand news fiend

I’m not going to apologize
to friend or foe
alike for refusing
to swallow
the bullshit being fed to me.
I’m not going to pretend to like
the taste in my mouth
as it ruminates on my tongue,
bat my eyes and smile,
letting it satiate a sick hunger.

The battles I fight are constant;
the burdens I bear, relentless.
Because there are those
who seek truth
in place of lies,
and others who
can’t tell
the difference.

tail between legs

I disquiet more and more men as time goes by;
a sign of how formidable I’ve become, I suppose.
I take it as a compliment.
They’ll stand there,
offended by my assumptions of them,
then with tail between legs,
yet nose held high,
amble on as if I’m the one who’s said
something wrong; done something to display
a grave ignorance or disregard for the
dignity and worth of another human being.

Perhaps I should wear a sign:
Don’t confuse my lightheartedness
with a willingness to laugh at your crude jokes.
Don’t mistake my tendency to want to please
for the ability to understand your need to feel superior.
Don’t forget, my feelings and experiences
as a woman are valid.
Don’t look away
just because the truth is hard to take.

daily intentions

Setting my intention for the day;
what needs do I wish to fulfill?
And how can every action,
every thought,
every word
bring me closer to my center,
bringing me closer to others?

What change can I bring about
in myself
so that my life doesn’t stagnate?
So that I don’t just become
what everyone wants
or expects me to become
but rather,
I come to recognize the divinity
that is my soul?

hera

One starts to realize
the lies
they were told their whole lives.
One starts to wonder
why they aren’t
automatically
given a choice
or allowed a voice.
We’re born as equals,
yet nurtured to hinder
our own growth
for the sake of others;
cast as “mere women”,
we are secretly envied
for our ability
to conceive
and nurture
life
in a way
man
never
can.

Bringing In The New Year With Some Good Ol’ Fashioned Cheer

If you love something, set it free. It’s something most of us have heard; this year has taught and reinforced for me many things and that is one of them. A few months ago, I wrote in a poem :

“It isn’t until you’ve been fully rejected that you can begin to fathom the possibility that you might be worthy.”

And ever since then I find that I keep coming back to that idea. Admittedly, sometimes I’ll put something out there without being totally convinced I have it right. Yet the truth–my truth–is that my whole life I’ve wanted to be made to feel by everyone I tried to love that I am worthy of also being loved. And too often I’ve been disappointed.

They say love is blind. But I don’t think it is love that blinds us.  It is need that distorts our thinking and ability to see things for what they are. After finally accepting being rejected by people I care for, I began to feel a sense of liberation. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am worthy. Love–pure love–can only exist where there is no need. My worth is inherent. And anyone who can’t see that is the one who is blind.

This year has been a series of losses, let downs, crises, and failures; full of moments and experiences that made me stop and think and feel quite a bit. I’ve fought, I’ve lost, I’ve moiled, and I’ve mourned. I’ve been challenged in so many unusual ways I never could  have prepared for or expected. I’ve had to let go of the life I envisioned for myself and my family in preparation for a life that was meant to be mine.   I’ve endured rejection and hardship so that I could discover the true meaning of love and freedom.

So many people I know have been going through the same things.   The struggle to accept our lives as they are, without need, without regret… this is one that few fail to fall into.  We all long for something.  We all look in all the wrong places before stumbling onto something right.  We all get desperate when a sense of control is beyond us.  We all want to belong.

But we also have to relinquish whatever it is we cling to if we are ever to experience pure peace. pure bliss. pure love.  We have to remember the light that is inside, even in these darkest of days.  I belong to myself.  And, I belong to something much, much greater than me.  I am a part of it.  You are a part of it.  It unites us in so many mystical and magical ways.

There will always be dark as long as there is light.  2016 was a dark year.  I’m hoping 2017 is accompanied by a lot more light, despite the cards stacked against it.  But I think no matter what challenge lies before us, loving our way through it is the only way to wholly overcome anything.

And so it is, as we reach the brink of both an end and a beginning, that I resolve to love and to let go.  May we all learn to embrace our dark side even as we welcome the light.  May we cherish the winter in spite of its storms while remembering the warmth that is promised.  And to the New Year… Cheers!

Another Underdog Story the World Won’t Get Over

cubs

I am not a Cubs fan, despite residing in their home state all my life.  I’m not even a sports fan.  While I can watch a game and appreciate the strategy and athleticism that goes into it, I can walk away completely detached.  If I were to choose a team to root for, it’s most likely going to be whoever the underdog is in a particular game.  And maybe that’s why the Chicago Cubs winning the 2016 World Series has me so choked up.

Because seriously, why am I crying just watching the highlights of Game 7 and hearing the crowd go wild?  I didn’t watch a single game of the World Series or any other game this year for that matter.  Because I DON’T CARE.  But there’s something about their story that has made their victory feel especially meaningful.  There’s also something about a bunch of dudes hugging and loving on each other that, well, tugs at my heart strings.  As a spectator, I can feel what it’s like for them to have failed time and time and time and time again.  And that to me is what makes the reward of their championship title all the more significant even to me, a non-Cubs/sports fan.

All good stories, the ones we internalize and cherish the most, include an underdog.  It seems most people tend to identify with those individuals who have been on the bottom, but after copious defeats and perhaps even because of their recurrent struggle, rose to the top.  And I have to wonder if that would ever be possible if they didn’t have at least someone in their corner who believed in them to cheer them on and defend their honor even when there is no success in sight.

The Cubs team has had a lot of people in their corner for many, many years despite having been on a losing streak for more than a century!  So who would the Cubs be without their devotees?  It is the ultimate test of loyalty when the support one receives is not contingent upon a particular outcome; when the worth and potential of a person or team is never diminished in the eyes of their votaries.

But today, the Cubbies and their tried-and-true fans are feeling vindicated after several decades of being hated on for being the dark horse of baseball.  Today, their story gives hope to all underdogs everywhere that if we believe, we can achieve.