Intentions: Bringing Us One Step Closer Or Taking Us One Step Back

Good intentions don’t always yield the results we had hoped for. I found myself spouting this tidbit to a fellow comrade this morning, realizing the relevance it has had in my own life lately.

Rejection tends to leave one feeling broken, weak, and powerless. Instinctually, out of the pain and betrayal I feel, I want to hide behind my fear and anger. And I have done this. But once the dust has settled, once the storm is passed and I am back in touch with the deeper meaning of my life, I choose instead to express love, kindness, forgiveness. Because I believe those are the only things that last; certainly, they triumph over every misguided or ill intention I may have at one time harbored. And unquestionably they are what give my life meaning. I could choose to remain bitter, I could choose to disown those I feel betrayed by, to cast them out of my life like a thorn in my side. But all that does is increase the likelihood of eventually stepping on said thorn, creating more agony and turmoil for me down the road.

Ignoring someone who has hurt us isn’t facing our fears; it’s running away from them, especially when that person is trying only to show us the healing power of love and forgiveness. When we run from fear we run in circles, ending up always right where we started. Progression, growth, these things imply a linear movement forward or upward. They are also impossibilities unless we relinquish our fears and reach towards the light that is the extension of someone’s merciful hand.

Some motivations to express kindness are self-serving. Behind these acts there is a desire to get what we want, to feel better about ourselves, to feel less rejected. I’ve been rejected in love plenty. I now have what you would call a thick skin. You could set me on fire and I’d probably not bat an eye. And yet, to those who I have been hurt by and regardless of whether the same generosity is rendered to me, in the end I will always choose to extend graciousness and benevolence, not with my ego, but with my heart where the purest of intentions coexist often with the deepest well of sorrow and discontent.  And in this way, I’d like to think I am destined for growth and for true love.

Rules For Entering: A Mother’s Reflection On Matters Of The Heart

This morning before leaving for work I was struck by the sign on my 8-year old son’s bedroom door.  It was a list of “rules” for entering which you can see here:

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I thought it was a fine list of rules; he doesn’t seem to request anything of his bedroom guests that is too unreasonable.  Asking permission to enter, being kind, respecting his personal space, as well as his feelings and the times when he just needs to be alone… all good things.  What I was most intrigued by was the warning he attached below them: if you break the rules, you’re out.  No wavering, no mending, no talking about the problem. It’s a very move-along-and-don’t-let-the-door-hit-ya-on-the-way-out sort of mentality; Nihilist, even, black-and-white.  Fear ridden.  Destructive rather than constructive.

So while I was standing there reading the sign and having these thoughts I wondered, is that what my son has learned?  He’s seen me go through three relationships with men I invited into our home and our family yet who are no longer around, outside of his own father.  The other two just… disappeared.  Why?  Because they broke the rules, I guess.  And what were my rules?  Well, very similar to junior’s, actually:

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Seriously.  I asked for a donut.  Where the fuck is it?!  Right???  I think we all feel that way sometimes, or at least I have.  I just find it very interesting to see that feeling reflected here in my son’s rules for entering his room, his world, his life.  Poignant, symbolic, yes?  What I don’t know is how much of that is learned and how much of it is a natural part of being human and wanting to feel safe and cared for.  I guess if anyone regardless of their current situation or circumstances growing up can say that they would ask the same of anyone entering their haven, then we can all agree that these rules belong on every door to every heart.

Unfortunately, written within those rules there is nothing to be said of loving for the sake of loving; giving when you don’t want to give; learning what that feels like in the end.  Even though it’s challenging, there is no implication in such demands that believing the pain of loving without guarantee or restitution is worth it; there is no resolve to lead with love despite the fear of getting burned.

What do we do not only for the other person, but for ourselves when we allow someone in even when they’ve hurt us… upset us… didn’t deliver what we asked for?  I’m 34-years old and I’m still figuring this out; I suppose I can’t expect my 2nd grader to really grasp it yet.  But as his mother, his teacher, his guide, I see it as my job and my privilege to show him the power of love, forgiveness, and working through differences, even when someone we trusted enough to welcome into our lives has hurt us, gone against the rules.  We would all want someone to show up at our door bearing donuts, chocolate, and ice cream.  It’s just that, not all days are like that.  Some days it’s a pile of smelly trash, baggage you don’t care to deal with, and horse shit.

Throwback Thursday #3

Happy Thursday y’all! Time to throwback to 1997 once again…

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Angel Falls

Look upon a sea of doubt;
of pain,
of fear,
of sorrow that lingers even after the tears–
Not one being lives without.
Nestled inside us each
there is a struggle within reach
awaiting a stronger hand
to carry all we hold.
For we’re bound by intimidation,
needless to say,
searching in darkness
without any light to help us grow.
What must there be
then to at last be free?

There are so many angels wandering around
hoping through life’s miracles they will be found.
To see them, you must look up high
for angels do not fall, they fly.
If ever you get discouraged by all of life’s mistakes,
just look to an angel for greater strength.

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Whoever holds the key to her heart knows the depths of her soul and the inescapableness of her beauty that resides there.

today’s quip

Let love be your only intention.

I suppose that’s not enough to be blog worthy perhaps. But it’s enough to fill your heart with an exuberance of warm fuzzies. And really, isn’t that what it’s all about? Life is hard.  We are all trying to overcome it in some way. Let the love in. Let the love out. Feel the warmness.

love incarnate

The only thing that keeps me sane is the belief that only love will remain. When all is said and done, what was left unspoken will come down to one word: Love. That’s all there ever truly was. That’s all that will be left behind. Whether with me in form, they’re engraved upon my soul. Mates at one time at least. Lovers no more. But still so much a part of me; their stories becoming my own, an interwoven tapestry. Dreams of what we could be soothed by gratitude for all that we were. And for what it’s worth, what we were was Love incarnate.

fledge fright

He stood there,
alone in the night.
All felt taken from him,
all but his pride.
But there, in the distance,
a shadow appeared.
He deferred moving closer,
overcome by his fear.
It belonged to a figure,
muliebral in form.
She made her way towards him,
a beacon drawing near.
Not sure he could trust
this was his rescue,
the man recoiled so as to
elude her view.
Little did he know there
was no escaping;
her guiding light now shining
upon everything he ever was
and all that he could be.
…Which path he’ll choose
is the difference between
being a captive and being set free.

insatiable insecurity

I don’t need to wear my sexuality on my sleeve; I’m not a tease or a sleaze, unless you’re in bed with me and even then I prefer to be quite selective because I happen to believe some things are meant to be sacred.

I will strip down to my soul leaving me vulnerable, naked. You will know my love is real, I won’t have to fake it. I’m everything you could ever want or need because alone I am complete.

I do not seek their nods of approval; don’t need such strokes to my ego to assure myself, the world my life is full. People like that are really quite hollow, empty inside. Because all that exists for them is what one feasts with their eyes.

And, my love, you love to stroke their ego; somehow it feeds the insecurity you bleed. Each one interchangeable with the next but just as titillating nonetheless. I’m afraid you’ve been cursed not blessed with such an availability of beauty. Because that which you crave is that which will leave you eternally hungry.

cake

You cannot have both.
In life you must choose:
A lifestyle of the young and restless.
Or a lifetime with someone
who is the color to your hues.
A quick fix
of arousal,
you think,
couldn’t hurt.
A deep mix
of emotions
brands you to
someone new.
You are lost.
You are scared.
You are confused.
Because you have yet to choose:
The world you wish to inhabit.
Or the you you never thought you could lose.

Throwback Thursday #2

In the spirit of my first Throwback Thursday post where I shared some of my earliest poetry pieces, I’ve decided to continue publishing what has otherwise been written on scraps of paper, napkins, old mail and whatever else I could find at the time, desperate to see the words in my mind exist in front of me.  For years these words have been stashed away in a box for no one else to see but me.  What follows was written who-knows-when exactly; I got out of the habit of dating my work.  I’m pretty sure these musings were written within the last 10 years, but I’m hoping their relevance is timeless. Happy Thursday!

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If I am to be a dreamer, I want only to dream that the moment is real.

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Let your desires be filled with a concern for others. Anything you achieve in this world, let it reflect a deep sense of compassion.

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Only when we learn to understand one another can we begin to understand ourselves.

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Love for the sake of loving,
Give for the sake of giving,
Ask for nothing in return and ye shall reap the benefits.

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You mock the blind by choosing not to see what is right in front of you.

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What you will find in the eyes of a mime–
That which was there the whole time.

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The greatest thing one can do for humanity is to utter only truth.

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If we knew how the story is supposed to end, why would we bother going cover to cover?

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The only thing that makes a villain a villain are the heroes of the world.

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The thrill of Hide-n-Seek is the process of being discovered. Once found, game over; it’s someone else’s turn to be “it”. Now run along and play nicely.

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All we are is just a series of memories getting passed down from generation to generation.

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I am but a reflection
of a reflection
of a reflection
of pure consciousness
giving way to distortion.

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Life, I think, has more to do with the non-existence of life than of one’s ability to live and breathe.

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The boundaries you see before you are only imagined. The key, I believe, is to unimagine them.

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It’s not me that’s changing, it’s the weather.