Moment of Truth

Sometimes I wish I could label myself with whatever mood I happen to be in on any given day or in any given moment, so that everyone can see. That way, I don’t have to pretend to be what I’m not. If I’m feeling crummy and I don’t want to deal with people, I don’t want to feign enthusiasm or be fake happy. Because sometimes, well, I’m not. Sometimes I’m irritated with life and exhausted from life and feeling scared and anxious and confused about life. Sometimes I’m angry. Sometimes I’m really, really angry. And I just want to give up because I’ve had enough. I’ve had enough of explaining why sometimes I go off the deep end; why there are moments when I just totally shut down.

And I’m alone. I’m always alone, inside. I mean, obviously, but it’s the kind of alone that you feel when you’re with someone and without them; it just doesn’t go away. And I don’t know how to fix that.

I love with my whole heart, I know that. I strive to be genuine in all that I say and do. I’m loyal and dependable. And sometimes, I’m a bitch. Anyone who tries living with me could tell you that. My kids could certainly tell you that. Because, hands down, parenting is the hardest thing I’ve ever done and doing it alone┬ájust makes it all the more difficult. It tends to, you know, bring out the bitch in me. Lack of sleep, lack of sex, I don’t know. But at times, yeah, it gets me down. Too much to do for so many people. It probably doesn’t help that I manage people’s lives for a living. I am constantly juggling the needs and interests of others. Sometimes I want to put the balls down, but then I remember…

My children are the greatest thing I’ve ever done. I couldn’t be more proud to be their mother. They’ve been there for me as much as I’ve been there for them, always pulling me through the toughest of times; always forgiving me for all the ways that I fail them. Every day I wake up I get the chance to start anew. I get another chance to choose love over fear and anger. *breathe* I get the chance to tell them nicely for the 10th time to please do this or please do that…

…Not likely!! I am giving myself a break on that one!


waving from the mesosphere

We reach the highest heights
only by first descending to the bottom.
It isn’t until you’ve been fully rejected
that you can begin to fathom
the possibility that you might be worthy.

The drive to seek is a natural instinct;
I seek to be free
Of the longing and waiting
No more wishing and praying
Or taking for granted
the pain required to grow.

No, I am rising above
all the critics and exes
who would have me believe
I can’t be loved
simply because
I expect too much.

They will see me waving,
they’ll be anticipating
my slow and steady slide.
But I won’t abide.

I told them I’d be right there by their side.
I guess, well, I lied.

flat reprise

You can marry that weight,
You can bury that weight,
Either way
You carry that weight inside.
There is no way
to start what must end
When there are no more
ties left to mend;
No more points left to defend
When one side insists on
remaining one sided.


receiving blanket

A rich tapestry of
covers us all
like a blanket
warming all
embracing all
who are kept under it
And over it
an ever expanding universe
creating in perpetuum intricate
in the tight weave
like a coxswain of the high seas
these strings guiding
our relationship
to the world and
everyone in it



Disappointment is just another way
of shedding a layer of skin
Without room to grow we
suffocate our freedom
Right or wrong
I can’t tell which one I’ve been in
Perhaps I cast my line
Somewhere down the middle
most of the time
Perhaps I bite the hand that feeds
It’s all I can do to stifle the air
I choke on so as not to be heard
It’s all I can do not to breathe


numb to it

Give me a minute to get numb to it
and I’ll be alright;
One more reminder of all we could never be
and I give up the fight.
But this was never yours to be won–
My prize lies inside
the eyes of the one who brought me here;
a quest at no time finished,only ever begun.


the typical ideations that i abandon

So in love with the typical,
so in tune with the push and pull;
it draws me in
then quickly
these notions I abandon.
Time to forge something new,
time to be more than I ever knew
I could be
by leaving
they saved me from myself.