Bringing In The New Year With Some Good Ol’ Fashioned Cheer

If you love something, set it free. It’s something most of us have heard; this year has taught and reinforced for me many things and that is one of them. A few months ago, I wrote in a poem :

“It isn’t until you’ve been fully rejected that you can begin to fathom the possibility that you might be worthy.”

And ever since then I find that I keep coming back to that idea. Admittedly, sometimes I’ll put something out there without being totally convinced I have it right. Yet the truth–my truth–is that my whole life I’ve wanted to be made to feel by everyone I tried to love that I am worthy of also being loved. And too often I’ve been disappointed.

They say love is blind. But I don’t think it is love that blinds us.  It is need that distorts our thinking and ability to see things for what they are. After finally accepting being rejected by people I care for, I began to feel a sense of liberation. I don’t need anyone to tell me I am worthy. Love–pure love–can only exist where there is no need. My worth is inherent. And anyone who can’t see that is the one who is blind.

This year has been a series of losses, let downs, crises, and failures; full of moments and experiences that made me stop and think and feel quite a bit. I’ve fought, I’ve lost, I’ve moiled, and I’ve mourned. I’ve been challenged in so many unusual ways I never could  have prepared for or expected. I’ve had to let go of the life I envisioned for myself and my family in preparation for a life that was meant to be mine.   I’ve endured rejection and hardship so that I could discover the true meaning of love and freedom.

So many people I know have been going through the same things.   The struggle to accept our lives as they are, without need, without regret… this is one that few fail to fall into.  We all long for something.  We all look in all the wrong places before stumbling onto something right.  We all get desperate when a sense of control is beyond us.  We all want to belong.

But we also have to relinquish whatever it is we cling to if we are ever to experience pure peace. pure bliss. pure love.  We have to remember the light that is inside, even in these darkest of days.  I belong to myself.  And, I belong to something much, much greater than me.  I am a part of it.  You are a part of it.  It unites us in so many mystical and magical ways.

There will always be dark as long as there is light.  2016 was a dark year.  I’m hoping 2017 is accompanied by a lot more light, despite the cards stacked against it.  But I think no matter what challenge lies before us, loving our way through it is the only way to wholly overcome anything.

And so it is, as we reach the brink of both an end and a beginning, that I resolve to love and to let go.  May we all learn to embrace our dark side even as we welcome the light.  May we cherish the winter in spite of its storms while remembering the warmth that is promised.  And to the New Year… Cheers!

I Think I’m Alone Now. But I Think That’s Okay.

I can see why some people just decide to spend their life alone with no one to share it with as intimately as you do with someone you love.  I can see why some people simply give up on finding someone and making it work.  I teeter back and forth with this idea.  And I’ve come to accept more than I ever have the possibility of being alone.  I’ve come to love who I am when I’m alone, which is to say I’ve come to accept that there is a lot about me to love, regardless of my relationship status.  And maybe… just maybe… that’s been the whole point of it all.

 

 

love incarnate

The only thing that keeps me sane is the belief that only love will remain. When all is said and done, what was left unspoken will come down to one word: Love. That’s all there ever truly was. That’s all that will be left behind. Whether with me in form, they’re engraved upon my soul. Mates at one time at least. Lovers no more. But still so much a part of me; their stories becoming my own, an interwoven tapestry. Dreams of what we could be soothed by gratitude for all that we were. And for what it’s worth, what we were was Love incarnate.

as a mirror

Maybe in a relationship, the thing that keeps it from going anywhere is the fear deep within ourselves that we are imperfect beings capable of hurting others; capable of feeling hurt; capable of destroying; capable of being destroyed. When we become intimate with another imperfect being, tensions do arise because building intimacy requires that we reflect as a mirror to the other person both how we see them and how they truly see themselves, deep within. And sometimes we do not like what we see; we loathe what we see whenever how we feel inside isn’t congruent with the reflection of ourselves in the mirror that is our partner. We feel hurt. We feel destroyed. We feel the need to hurt. We feel the need to destroy. And so it goes; an endless cycle between creation and destruction.

We create stories in our head that we tell ourselves to hold on to; we replay them over and over in our minds. We eat these stories; we drink these stories; we dream these stories, over and over and over. They become us and we become them. But what if there is more to the story than what we are allowing into our self-narration? What if there’s another truth of ourselves? One that’s deeper, and richer, and more fulfilling? Wouldn’t we want to follow that, to use our mirror’s reflection to better ourselves? Wouldn’t we want to create ever more of this type of dream, instead of destroying our only hope for everlasting redemption?

Fool me once… fooled again

You made a fool out of me.

Now all these people won’t let me be.

I never asked for a handout,

Nor do I need their sympathy.

Sometimes people just…  leave.

 

But I can make it on my own,

Alone I might have a fighting chance

Of learning to love myself again,

Since asking anything of you became a sin.

 

And my biggest transgression was

trusting that I could let someone in.

Magically Engineered

Perhaps no one has noticed, but it’s been two months since I’ve taken the time to add anything to my blog. Two months to the day, in fact. That’s the longest I’ve gone without posting anything since I began blogging about 19 months ago. And you know what they say: if you don’t use it, you lose it. So here I am. Using it!! But not just in terms of this blog. I suppose the leading factor in why I haven’t been writing as much is that I’ve been using this time to get my shit together. I’ve been staying productive at work (which obviously isn’t happening right now)… I’ve been making big life decisions… I’ve been moving on… And falling in love. That’s right, I’m finally learning to use my heart again (and it feels oh, so good).

The internet is not a place where I like to spend too much time. But of course it is where I’ve felt encouraged to write and share my musings. As I’ve said before, this blog has helped me get through a very difficult time which has inevitably lead to a tremendous transformation; I feel stronger and more aware of myself than ever before. And the internet, despite my avoidance, is also where I happen to have found someone who fills my life with more joy than I’ve ever known. Thank you, technology! I’ll never be able to understand you, or how it is that you’re able to do so much for me. But dammit if you didn’t deliver the person of my dreams right to the rectangular thing that lights up and does things when I push buttons! Forgive me for cursing you at times.

Yes, thanks to the internet, I’ve been able to move on and find love. Like, the real stuff that I talk about in other posts (https://afinemessasthis.wordpress.com/2013/10/02/if-food-is-love-then/) and have wondered whether it would ever exist for me (https://afinemessasthis.wordpress.com/2014/04/11/stroll/). Guess what folks, IT DOES!!!! Which just goes to show, no matter how downtrodden and lonely you might feel, as long as there is at least a sliver of hope left inside of you, love can exist for you, too. (Also, you might have to be willing to go through several really bad dates with complete strangers who look nothing like the photos they’ve posted and do not resemble their too-good-to-be-true profiles because, well, none of it is true. But hang in there!)

It’s funny how being with someone can bring you closer to your self. It’s also funny how little your self matters when you are with the right someone. Finally, I am with the right someone. I can’t say enough good things about him or how he makes me feel. And better yet, as someone who was married for almost 13 years and is now divorced (because his ex-wife is a fool), he not only knows what to expect within a relationship (and what not to expect), but he’s willing to put in the sweat and moxy. He’s willing to accept me for me, the good and the bad. He’s prepared for winter (https://afinemessasthis.wordpress.com/2014/04/23/allseasonlove/) and offers me the kind of all seasons love I’ve been scavenging for.

So thank you, technology and thank you, internet. They say you are nothing more than math and science. But I say you are part magic, as well.