So here is a confession. I don’t know what the hell I’m doing. I don’t know where I’m going and I don’t know how to trust. Of course, the person I’ve lost most of my faith in is myself. I trusted that I could make a good decision about who I could rely on and who I could spend my life with. I was sorely mistaken. Again.
And this blog… it’s all bullshit. I’ve written in the past about how transformed I feel having learned from my mistakes, that I’m stronger than ever and blah blah blah. In reality, I am totally clueless on how to not do what I know I shouldn’t do in response to negative emotions. I feel weak… tired… and just a few inches above the ground. I’ve said it before and I’ll say it again… self-destruction is my specialty.
In any break-up you have to ask yourself, how much did I receive as well as how much have I given? Was it balanced? Did I give more/offer less? Could I have done more, tried harder? If so, was it because I expected more and got less? Should I expect more? For me, I believe I could have given and done more, as well as received more of what I needed. It’s a toss up and surely one let down leads to another.
Some of us are eager to point the blame at our former lover while others stew in a constant flow of self-blame and self-doubt. This is then accompanied by other more complex emotions and thought processes, pulling us in different directions, and making us more confused than ever. We feel scared, lost, angry, betrayed, bitter, hurt… very, very hurt. We question our value to others and our own self-worth. We wonder if we can ever learn to trust again.
How can some people vow to stand by their partner through thick and thin only to eventually walk away from them? Is that person’s inability to keep their word more of a reflection of them or a failure on the part of their partner? Or both? I realize it can depend on the situation.
But if it’s true that any issue which comes up between two people is always going to be two-sided, to me that suggests that a solution can never be absolute. My solution was to find a compromise. His was to walk out the door. Flip a coin. Head to hands. Heart to floor. I guess I’m too damaged to be loved evermore.
(That or… I’m truly a Sorceress waiting on my He-Man to unleash the power of Grayskull! I’d say there’s a 50/50 chance… That’s it, I need to stop dating geeks.)