Cupid’s Other Arrow

Valentine’s Day is such a controversial holiday with lovers pitted against non-lovers; romance vs. bitterness; pairs vs. singles; love/shmuv; heart/fart.  There have been times I’ve boycotted it having found myself leaning toward the right side of these disunions.  However, this Valentine’s Day I can finally say that I have found The One; that is, the one I have waited my whole life for.  At last I have discovered that special person who I will spend the rest of my life completely devoted to, always knowing that I’m right where I belong. This Valentine’s Day I am here to announce that that person… is me. So, Amy Ann, will you be my Valentine?

I promise to take care of you, to be there whenever you need me. I will be true to you and I will never ever leave you, no matter how many times you become too frightened to even look in the mirror. We will forge together in such a way that I will hardly be able to tell where you end and where I begin. We will travel the depths of time and space together. We will go through life’s greatest tragedies.. and experience every single slightest tinge of bliss.. together. You and me. Always. Forever.

Certainly, there are a lot of exceptionally beautiful people out there worthy of all the love in the world. But there is only one me (that I know of). And I’m worthy of love, too. I choose to recognize all of the things that make me uniquely wonderful and uniquely me. I choose to love me despite the things I do which I know are not in my best interest. I choose to love me to make up for all the times I’ve hated myself; all the times I would have paid anybody anything to be any one else other than myself.

…But that’s behind me now.  Because now, I finally know what being in love is supposed to feel like. Being in love elicits a feeling of being completely connected, as though everything in the universe suddenly decided to line itself up for the sake of clarity before getting jumbled up again. For a moment, you can grasp infinity and everything is as it should be. Being in love offers a sense a belonging to a world you never asked to be a part of, but now want never to leave.

And that’s how I know I’m in love …with myself. I’m in love with my every movement; every grimace and grin inspired by all the woes and joys of living. I’m in love with every breath keeping me alive; every word I’ve thought out so carefully so as to be understood and reflected in those words as entirely as possible. I’m in love with the pain I’ve conquered, the insecurities I’ve overcome. I’m in love with me for sticking by me, through it all, the thick and the thin. I’m in love with me for never giving up on me; for believing in a reason to believe in me; for paying my dues knowing whatever the cost, I will always be worth it–every heartache has always been worth it. Because it has helped to shape the person I am.

So this Valentine’s Day, if I ever get a hold of this mysterious Cupid figure, I’m gonna beg him to shoot me in my own ass. It sounds painful, but oh!  What foolish things we do for the sake of love!

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